Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
