I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
