oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
