just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
