the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
