just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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