if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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