Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
