took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
