I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
