I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
