I think I died a long time ago.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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