So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
