I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
