There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
