How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
