why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
