this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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