Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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