I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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