I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I understand Curling. That high.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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