also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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