2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
