So drunk its hurt
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
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I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.