who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way