Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
