my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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