i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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