I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
