and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
