my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My bed smells like the plague
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
