wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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