At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
