I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
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You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
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Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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