I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My pussy is not your playground.
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If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
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I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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