Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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