either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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