True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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