Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
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On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear