Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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