I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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