I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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