During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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