I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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