I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
