Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
