come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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