That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
