Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
