She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
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Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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