I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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