Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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