There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
